I don't know if this post has a cohesive thought or purpose.

Sometimes it's refreshing to hear the older, wiser people in your life reassure you that you're doing alright, and that good things are on the way... even if it's hard to see it at the time.

I have to say that I'm rather happy with the decisions that I've made in my life. I'm happy with where those choices have taken me, and who they've allowed me to meet. But as my life currently stands -- underemployed, living with mom, minimal social life, no romantic life -- it's easy to feel defeated. I can't help but feel that while I was out doing my own thing in Spain for 2 years, everyone else was moving forward in their lives, starting careers, getting houses and cars, husbands and babies, and all I have to show for it is a deeper sense of adventure, a bigger Spanish vocabulary, and an ever-growing collection of scarves.

At this point, I am finding it hard to admit even to myself what it is I want in life. One moment, the American dream life sounds so appealing. But really, I think I'd drop it all in a minute if someone told me I could realistically go back to Spain. (Any offers?)

It's not that my last two years weren't full of wonderful things... it's just that everyone else has stayed in one place. They can see the linear progress that they've made in two years, and I've seemingly left all of my progress somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic. People see the same person I was when I left, but they don't see my mind and all of the new ideas it holds. They will never really understand all of the love, loneliness, joy, frustration, peace, and beauty that I experienced in the last two years. (And granted, I won't really ever understand their experiences either.)

My life in Spain was definitely not perfect. Just ask my mom how many times I called her in the middle of the night because I needed to vent about the foreigner's office or any number of problems that only your mother's insight can mend. I just feel like the small triumphs were so much more rewarding over there. And these days, it's hard to find even the smallest of triumphs.

I had so many aspirations for what my reentry would look like, and by no fault of my own (okay, maybe a little fault of my own), things haven't gone according to plan. But I'm resolving to get things going. I am trying to effect change in my life.  I want to find the me that I loved being in Spain and transport her here to Pittsburgh. I want her to do all the things she loved -- make things, learn things, meet new people, and spend time with people she loves. It doesn't sound that difficult, but for some reason it is.

I'm hoping that the reassurances of my elders are true and that good things are, indeed, on the way.